02/14/11 11 weeks and 5 days cont…
I head back to work on Wednesday and I’m not sure how it is going to go. The first big concern is who is going to watch Jack. My parents are in Aruba for another week and a half, and John’s mom has to work and won’t know if she can watch Jack till the night before. So I managed to get friends to fill in until my parents get back. I was thrilled and relieved to have reliable sitters lined up. John called his mom to tell her that she didn’t have to worry about watching Jack and could work when she needed too. Then she got angry with us because she felt she was being pushed aside, which wasn’t the case at all. We just wanted to make sure that we had a sitter. Neither of our jobs are very flexable and we didn’t want to be looking for a sitter the night before. So now she is going to watch him some of the days. So that’s one worry behind us.
I’m not sure how I’m going to handle being away from Jack for so many hours, so many days in a row. Usually I’m only away from him for a few hours and usually that’s more than enough time. I definitely have some separation anxiety. But I know he will be fine. What I’m more worried about is his feeding / napping schedule. If those watching him stick to the schedule everything will be fine. Jackson will be his happy, loveable, well rested self and the sitter won’t deal with a fussy baby. Also I will come home to a happy well rested baby.
If he doesn’t nap I will come home to a cranky boy who is so unrested that it will take hours for him to sleep and then he won‘t want to wake up to eat before bedtime. I’ll have to try to wake him up to eat which he won’t because he will be too tired. Then I will have to hope he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night. So I’m nervous for both Jackson and I. I want this to be a smooth transition.
I haven’t worked in 4 months so I’m nervous about how I will do at work. I worry that I will have forgotten how to do my job. I worry that I won’t be any good at my job because all I will be able to think about is Jackson. I worry that I will lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I’ll miss him so much. I know that I will be checking my phone constantly and that I will want to call hourly to check on him. I know I will play it off like I’m fine and just get through the day and then the next day and so on. I will miss being home with Jackson.
I hate to admit it but a part of me is looking forward to going back to work. I feel bad saying this, because, I feel as though I should only want to be with Jackson 24/7. But I miss getting up and getting dressed for work. I miss my friends there. I miss getting out of the house and talking to adults on a regular basis. I miss having a purpose other than diaper changes, feeding and bathtime. I guess this is the start of mommy guilt that the girls at work always talked about. It seems as though I feel guilty no matter what.
While I was reading this over to post, I remembered that for 7 weeks of Jackson’s life my mom was in Aruba. She left when he was about 6 weeks old and came back at approximately 13 weeks. These were some of the most stressful and frustrating weeks of my life. I needed my mom. I know she couldn’t cancel her trip but the timing could not have been worse. It was early January and the weather was terrible. Jackson had colic and I was trapped in the house with him. Just me, Bailey and a screaming infant, sometimes it got so bad Bailey would hide. I would call John at 4 and ask “when will you be home?” I was desperate for some relief. It wasn’t until I had a terrible day where he cried from 9 am to 1 am that I finally got some. John told his mom about what was going on and she came over the next day and took them. She was such a life saver during this time.
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