I didn’t write much about it at the time but the decision to leave my job was one of the hardest decisions of my life. The reason I didn’t write much about it was because I had discussed the topic with John, my mom and my friends until I was blue in the face. I had run verbal circles around it and I was sick of it. Then John and I made the decision and that was that. But in retrospec I wish I had written about it because working or not working is such a huge part of motherhood.
John and I first debated the idea of me staying home with Jackson about 10 days before I went back to work. The reason the topic even came up was because my parents were in Aruba and John’s mom had told us that she wasn’t sure what her availabilty would be to watch Jackson. When I had started my leave, the plan was that I would go back after 12 weeks and that Jackson would be taken care of by John’s mom and my mom. Now with 10 days to go this didn’t seem possible.
John and I knew that me staying home was finacially possible but we weren’t sure if it was something we wanted to do. I more so wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to do. I had always planned to go back to work after Jackson was born and I had already told my boss that I would be back and had given him a date, so I went back to work.
Going back to work was good for me in a lot of ways. I got to get up, get dressed and get out of the house on a regular basis. While I was on maternity leave some days I felt just getting a shower was such a challenge that getting out of the house was never much of an option. My maternity leave took up a majority of the winter and it always seemed to be snowing or raining or freezing whenever we wanted to go somewhere.
I was also happy to go back and see my coworkers. I love most of the people I work with, especially the girls in my department. They are both great moms and it was really helpful to have them around to chat with everyday. If I was worried about something I could ask one of them and they always had a helpful or reassuring answer.
My going back to work was the hardest on John. He had the responsibility of dropping Jackson off and picking him up most days. Lots of times he would not end up getting home from work until 8 or 9 because he would get to my parents house and Jackson would be sleeping so my mom would feed John dinner. Then Jackson would wake up and need to eat. So John would wait for him to finish. So it wasn’t a quick drop off and pick up. John would joke, “you working is really inconvienent”.
Having John do drop off and pick up allowed me some time after work to clean the house or go to the gym.
While all this was nice. Going back to work was extremely difficult in many ways. I hardly got to see Jackson and he had outgrown colic and was a joy to be around and I was missing it. I missed him rolling over for the first time. A part of me felt like I had given birth to a child only to let other people raise him. Also from being with my mom, John’s mom and me, Jackson’s schedule had gotten completely thrown off. He had no routine and seemed to suffer because of it. Any routine or rules I had set in place went out the window the moment he left our house.
Adding to all this was that every week the schedule was up in the air. John’s mom had limited availability. My parents have vacations scheduled. We were looking at having to put Jackson in daycare at some point which not only was expensive, it was something we didn’t want to do.
So after lots of talk we decided I would stay home. Allowing the three of us to have some stability and routine to our lives.
It was hard for me to decide this. When I told my boss I had not idea what to say. I feel like the silence from the moment I said the words to the moment he spoke again was a mile long. I wanted to cry because I didn’t really want to give up my job but I felt that I had no option. “Part time” is frowned upon where I work.
I gave 4 weeks notice and they went by quickly. Rumors flew around the office. Some days I felt ostracized by my coworkers and I felt like I should have just given 2 weeks and been done with it. But finally my last day came and we had a nice office party. Then my other boss offered for me to come in a few days and help her with training. Which I’ve done for a couple of weeks. Now I have one more Saturday to work after that we will see what happens.
Being at home has been wonderful but some days I miss my job. I miss having a purpose other than diapers, bottles and tummy time. I miss my girls and the conversations we had. I miss wearing heels and dressing up. I miss daily social interaction. I miss being an adult. Most of all I miss those few hours to myself at the end of the day that working afforded me. That time in between when I got home and when John and Jackson got home.
But if I had continued to work I would have missed so much more. I would have missed Jack learning how to sit and trying to crawl. I would have missed hundreds of smiles and that look he gets every time he figures out something new. I would have missed play dates and walks on sunny days. I would have missed hundreds of small moments that I would have never been able to get back. He’s growing up so fast and I don’t want to miss it.
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