Torn

Last week was rough. And I honestly don’t know why. But every day seemed like a struggle. Jack was super clingy and my laundry list of chores wasn’t getting done. Every free moment was interrupted by a whining dog or Jack saying, “Mama up”, “Mama sit”, “Mama play”.

That by the time Wednesday came around and I had to head off to work I was relieved and ready for a break.

I put on a black dress and tights and picked out a scarf. I put on all my make up not just the foundation that I quickly apply each morning but mascara and lip stick too.

I stopped for Starbucks and drove to the office. And I felt calm and relaxed in a way I had not felt all week. I was excited to go to work, to chat with the girls about the up coming Christmas party.

I began to think about what it had been like when i worked there full time. How, even when the days were long I still didn’t mind it. That for the most part I loved my job.

This feeling has been creeping into my heart now for the past few months. And I stuff it down and tell it to shut up. I remind myself of how hard me working was for my family. I remind myself that daycare isn’t something we wanted to pursue.

Yet as Jack gets older the thought of going back keeps coming up.

I sit in my kitchen and look at all the people heading off to work. And I envy them. I envy their heels and dress clothes and ability to sit at a desk and drink a cup of coffee. I envy their purpose, their drive. I envy the possibilities they have for promotions and raises and corner offices.

And sometimes I think it would be so nice to go back. To leave all my SAHM worries and struggles behind. Though I know that I would only be replacing those worries with new ones.

Some days the grass looks much greener on the other lawns and some days I wonder if it really is greener. And sometimes I don’t think it really matters if it’s greener, only that it’s different. And maybe I need a change of scenery.