An Open Letter

Dear Friend

There was so much I didn’t know when John and I set out to have a family. For us the getting pregnant part was easy, probably a little too easy. I know that is not the case for everyone.

I want you to know that when I found out I was pregnant I was scared. Yes, I was excited to be a mom and to meet my child but mostly I was scared and nervous.

My mind was plagued with questions like, would I be a good mom? Was this the right time for John and I? What would my child be like? Would my body recover? Would I survive labor? Would I have hemorrhoids and morning sickness and terrible cravings for pickles and ice cream?

I was a wreck but a happy wreck. Something exciting was happening to my body, to my family and to me.

I can tell you that labor should be the least of your worries. Women have been doing this since the beginning of time, you too can do it. Take a child birth class. For me it gave me the knowledge and confidence to feel like I could get through labor. Then realize all that you learn in class is bull shit. Labor will go as it goes. Throw the birth plan out the window.

And after you may not feel quite right. You may cry tears of joy or you may be tired or confused or shocked. You may not be that picture of motherhood that is endlessly portrayed on TV and that is OK.

The first weeks, months, hell even the first year of motherhood is really hard. In fact motherhood is hard and from what I’ve heard it doesn’t get any easier.

 After you have a baby your hormones are a wreck. One minute you can be happy and the next minute you can be crying over nothing. And you may feel lost and confused and in over your head. And that’s normal and OK. And if you don’t think it is see your doctor.

It’s OK to question yourself and be overwhelmed. And don’t let anyone try and tell you that because you aren’t floating on cloud 9 every minute of the day that there is something wrong with you. This is all new to you and the baby, you will find your time and your way and it’s OK to be a little lost.

Be proud of your body for bringing a life into this world. Yes, it will change but so will you and you can get your figure back. It may take some work but, you can do it. Yes, you can rock a bikini again if you want. And if you don’t want to worry about the weight or the bikini for awhile or ever that is what black yoga pants are for.

New motherhood can be a lonely road. Go out and find friends. Reach out to other new moms. Friends that you haven’t spoke to in years but who are going through the same thing can be an amazing outlet.

Ask for help and take it. Let someone else take care of the baby for a bit and take care of yourself. Don’t feel bad about going to the gym or getting a manicure or sitting at Starbucks with a good book. These things will not make you a “bad” mother, they will actually make you a better one.

And please remember, always that you can call me anytime. Whether it’s 4 am or 2 pm. If the baby won’t sleep or you need a break or you just want someone to talk to. I’m here, I always am.

But most of all I want you to know that just by wanting a baby you’ve made the first step to being a good parent. Good parenting isn’t found in books or classes, it’s found in your heart. And as long as you keep that in mind. I think you will be just fine.

I wrote this letter after a friend confided to a group of women that she and her husband were planning to start a family but she was nervous. One of the women at dinner (who does not have kids) said, “Some people just shouldn’t have kids, they regret it and make bad parents”. I wrote this because I wanted her to know that feeling nervous about becoming a mom is normal.