Today I yelled.
I yelled because I was frustrated, because Jack wasn’t listening and Bailey was sick and plans that I made a month ago were not going to happen because it was raining yet again.
So I yelled. And I felt bad about it. I try not to be yeller. To only yell when I think there is danger, or a situation needs to stop immediately or he’s across the yard and can’t hear me.
But today I yelled for no good reason. And I could hear the judgment in my head, a voice that sounds very much like the one of a friend who works with children but doesn’t have any. It was saying “yelling doesn’t work” and “you should never yell” or “yelling is a waste of time”.
And I know all these things and I believe some of them, but I still yelled.
Because sometimes as a parent it happens. You lose your cool, you get annoyed and frustrated and tired of politely repeating the same thing over and over and over again.
And it doesn’t make it right or make it better.
So on the way to Shop Rite I apologized to Jackson. I told him Mommy was sorry that she yelled and that I yelled cause I was mad that we couldn’t go to Sea Isle to see our friends and that I was sad that Bailey was sick.
And he said, “I’m sad too”.
And I think we both understood that these things happen, that mama’s aren’t perfect, and that sometimes we get sad or mad and do things we don’t mean to.
I forgave myself for the yelling and we went on with our day. And I’m sure I’ll yell again, it happens, and I’m sure there will be days when he will yell at me. We will forgive and we will move on, because yelling isn’t the end of the world and neither is having a bad day.
***I wrote this post a few weeks ago and yes I’ve yelled again since writing this and yes, we’ve apologized and forgiven, and maybe that’s the lesson in all of this. *****
My kids forgive me pretty much daily for yelling! Thankfully they do forgive. And I forgive them as well…
It took me a long time to accept that sometimes yelling does happen. As much as I tried to stay away from it, from "becoming my mother" (for that is the one thing about her I promised I'd never become), it is there. But apology works. It shows our kids that we value how we've made them feel. It acknowledges our desire to be better and will likely eventually help us to mellow out and not resort to it as often (hard for me if I'm tired; I know this. I try to always be aware of how I'm feeling before I speak to the kids. Doesn't always work, but at least we're both trying).
I had a moment like this today. I was very frustrated and I yelled at my oldest. I should have handled it better. :/