I should be enjoying these days more. This is the thought that goes through my head at 4:30 on a Tuesday when I’m just done. Done with the whining and the, “hey moms” and the “can I have another” and the “can you play”. And I feel bad. Feel bad that I was daydreaming about my cubicle at work and the quiet that comes with it.
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I wrote those words last Tuesday night after a long day.
Then on Wednesday I went to work and it was anything but quiet. Within the first hour I found out that my long time friend and supervisor was leaving the company. I was so sad that this person who always had by back at work, who supported me and always kept the door open for me, would be moving on to another job.
Then a few minutes later we learned that one of our co-workers in another office, a woman who I had worked with for a little while, had died suddenly. Her and her son had been killed, by someone they knew and trusted.
I can’t explain the sadness and devastation and loss that shook by soul and yet I felt guilty for feeling that way. Knowing that others knew her better, others loved her. That my co-workers who were friends with her, who sat next to her, that they and her family were the ones that were really suffering.
And as I thought of my friend and her son, I thought of those words I had typed. I thought of how I had daydreamed about being at work. And I felt so guilty for my lack of patience. For not being grateful for what I have. I wanted to leave work, drive home and hug my little boy.
This post was going to be about how we need to stop telling moms “to enjoy these years” because all it does is make them feel guilty for the moments that they aren’t enjoying. Instead I’m going to say enjoy every day, it’s a gift, a blessing and we are promised nothing.
As the holiday season approaches I’m going to try to be more patient, more kind, more loving. I’m going to take more time to play and have fun and make memories. I’m going to think about my friend who always had a smile and a laugh, and I’m going to try to live a little louder. Because life is fleeting and every day should be an attempt to be your best, to take nothing for granted and be grateful.
There are really no words that I can find other than I am so sorry (((hugs)))
We should be living this way all the time and we shouldn't have to have such devastating things happen for us to remind us to do so.
Be kind to yourself xoxo