The Beauty of Now

Now the baby is sleeping and the 5-year-old is playing by himself and the dog is lying at my feet making me his constant companion. Now we spend most of our days at home. Because it is easy. Now I spend more time in pajamas, and patterned leggings than I care to admit, because it is easy and it fits.

Now the baby, the dog and the five-year old all push for a space on my lap, to curl up next to me, to have my attention at all times. Now I don’t get as much sleep or time to myself or space. And I’m constantly thinking about what needs to be done, the laundry, the dishes… Now my house is a mess. A perpetual mess that I have no intentions of tackling. Now the dust settles in corners and the floors go unscrubbed. But we get in the pool nearly every day and read books and snuggle and watch Zootopia for the 100th time.

Now I won’t feel bad about the mess or judge my ability to mother based on the state of my home. And I’ll invite friends over and not bother to apologize for the mess because we have a baby and that seems as good of an excuse as any, not that I need one. Now I know that if we are to be friends, I won’t feel the need to make excuses.

Now we are finally getting into a routine and I have some time at the end of the day to myself. Now I don’t fall into bed an exhausted mess who can’t think about anything but sleep, though I still think about sleep a lot. Now I’m feeling older, with a new baby and a birthday around the corner, age suddenly feels more important than it used to. And that scares me.

Now the 5-year-old still wants hourly hugs and snacks. Now the baby only wants to be held and she rolled over yesterday. Now we are in the thick of parenting. We take a back pack filled with diapers and wipes and bottles and snacks and blankets wherever we go. Now is about the kids and us but, mostly the kids. Kids is a word I’m getting used to, that still doesn’t flow off my tongue naturally, but a word that I love. Now I love watching the two of them together, the instant love between them. The way she smiles at him whenever he walks into the room. The way he rubs her belly and calls it “tummy time”. That he is always the first to hear her cry and more than once I’ve found him gently rocking her bassinet in the morning before I’ve gotten to her room.

Soon we will have somewhere to be every day. Soon there will be lunches to pack and homework to be done. Soon we will have soccer practice and baby music classes. Soon bedtime will not be flexible and the sun will set earlier. Soon the autumn breeze will blow in and the leaves will change and this brief season will be over. So I’m enjoying the now, and now is pretty damn beautiful.