The Difference a Year Makes

It started at a football game. I felt over-heated and faint and nauseous. I chalked it up to the excessive heat. It happened again when I was at an amusement park with a friend, this feeling of exhaustion that was overwhelming. I was tired and irritable and the last time I had felt this faint was when I was pregnant with Jackson. So on a Monday morning I decided it was time to take a pregnancy test. It wasn’t the first time I would take a pregnancy test, I had taken a few in the past year but this was the last pregnancy test I had in the house and I was fairly convinced that my baby days were behind us. I was so convinced that I wrote this post just days before.

But there it was two pink lines. And life changed and it didn’t. I went on to the play date at the park with friends. I stared at my friends 10 month old daughter and thought, “next year at this time I’ll have a baby”.  It’s seemed unreal but there was no time to take it in, life goes on. And a year makes such a difference.

I told John that night over dinner, no fancy announcement just, him saying “how was your day” and me responding, “I’m pregnant” and a mix of shock and excitement over pasta.

Jack and I kept up our play dates and fun with friends. I remember being at a farm and all the smells being overwhelming. And a pool play date where the pizza delivery took forever and I kept sneaking in the house to eat crackers because I was feeling nauseous.

This wasn’t a pregnancy of big announcements, I’m not overly good with those, I hate being the center of attention. I accidentally told some friends when a friend jokingly said, “maybe you’re pregnant” and I responded, “I am” to a group text. I told my boss at work but then let a co-worker tell the rest of the office on a day I wasn’t there because the sound of 30 women squealing in a confined space was too much.

Unlike my first pregnancy where being pregnant seemed to define every moment of my life. There was no time to whine (though my husband would beg to differ) or slow down or take it easy, not when you have a 5-year-old who wants to know, “what we are doing today”. We visited museums, dressed up for Halloween, had play dates, went to Disney World and more birthday parties than I can count.

It was an exhausting year. And a sad one. It’s still hard to believe that Bailey isn’t with us anymore. Our family got bigger, smaller and then bigger in the span of a year.

A year can change your life, it can break your heart, it can fill you up, it change you path, it can heal you, and it can change you. And I’m not the person I was a year ago. My priorities, my hopes, my dreams, my plans are forever changed for the better. My family is changed and it’s complete, as if all along we were waiting for you to come along. That’s the difference a year makes.