My First Mother’s Day: A Look Back

Yesterday was my first mothers day. It was wonderful. John, Jackson and I spent the day exactly as I wanted to. We took a walk around Somers Point, then we headed to Smithville and picked up some of my favorite snacks: fancy cheese and chocolate covered gummy bears. Then Johnny and I had dinner at 800 Bay. Dinner was nice and the wine was good. It was nice getting out just the two of us. These times are so rare anymore that I like to take advantage of when it can be just the two of us. I know lots of moms who feel that once you have a kid there is no “dinner just the two of you” but I think getting out just the two of us is essential to our relationship. We actually get to sit down and have an uninterrupted conversation which is a rare and wonderful thing. I think maintaining our relationship, the relationship that the two of us had before Jackson is important. We are Mom and Dad all day, sometimes it’s nice to go out and just be Jul and John.

My friends just had a baby a few days ago. For me it brings back so many memories of the first few weeks of Jackson’s life. I remember feeling so out of sorts. I was trying to recover, I was trying to adjust to this new life that we had just jumped into. I was trying to be the best mom possible and running on 4 hours of sleep if I was lucky and a pot of coffee. John and I both only remember those days as a blur. One big unending groggy day. I remember sitting up at 2 am feeding Jackson and thinking that I had read somewhere that I would miss this one day. I don’t think I will ever miss 2 am feedings but I never minded them as much as I thought I would. The quiet was nice and I got to cuddle with Jackson in a way that I haven’t been able to since. The days of my baby falling asleep in my arms are now just a memory. I wish I had held on longer when he was little rather than putting him down to sleep in his sleeper. Everyone told me to put him down so he wouldn’t get used to sleeping in my arms.  I don’t think I was doing any harm letting him sleep in my arms and with the next one I will probably let he or she sleep in my arms as long as they want while they are too little to know the difference. Even now when Jackson sometimes wakes up at 3 or 4 in the morning I don’t mind the feeding so much. The hardest part is the interrupted sleep. But I don’t mind the 20 minutes of quiet time with my boy.

I think those first few weeks are the toughest. Everything is a blur and then one day you come out of the fog and realize you’ve survived. John and I don’t envy our friends starting at the beginning of this crazy journey called parenthood. I wouldn’t trade 5 months old for 5 days old. Jackson is so much more of a person now. He’s not just a screaming, demanding newborn. He’s got personality. He plays and babbles to me, things that it was once hard to imagine him doing. Yet he hates being cuddled, which makes me sad. My cuddling days were short lived. I hope they come back around.