I’ve never been a neat freak, much to my parents dismay, especially my Dad who grew up with an Italian mother who changed the curtains with the seasons and kept plastic covers on the furniture. And we had more than our share of arguments over the state of my bedroom growing up and my stuff and disorganization as an adult.
It’s not that I don’t like things neat and tidy, I love the idea of it. I love stark beautiful pristine pictures in the Pottery Barn catalogue. I love the concept of organization. The 31 bags and the organizers and the “everything in it’s place” mentality. But I’m just not good at it.
And I never minded that about myself. I was never one to dust baseboards or spend the day deep cleaning. The girls at work used to talk about the joy of having scrubbed with bleach or having spent the day cleaning and I would smile and nod knowing that I didn’t even have bleach in my house and that my shower was in desperate need of a bath.
Then I had Jack and became a Stay at Home Mom and all that encompassed housekeeping became my job. When we would have friends coming over I would rush around in a new found frenzy. Sweeping baby stuff aside, hiding toys and bottles. shoving diaper bags and the laundry into my bedroom and closing the door. I would take the pack n play and place it in the guest room, closing the door behind it. I didn’t want a trace of child to be noticeable. I wanted the house to say we have kids but we have our shit together.
A friends husband once told me, “you would never know a kid lived here”. I took that as the biggest compliment. My home did not reflect the disorder and disarray that kids are associated with. It also did not reflect the disorder and disarray that was my life. It didn’t show the chaos of having a newborn or the endless mess of a toddler. It didn’t show how much I didn’t have it together.
And it wasn’t just my home that was keeping up appearances. It was me. It was the night outs that I said “yes” too when i would have rather been getting the sleep I desperately needed. It was the dinners and trips to the movies with friends who didn’t have kids that I agonized and obsessed over, that I lost sleep and me time and wasted sitters on. It was the wardrobe that I hated that no longer fit me and yet I kept forcing myself into the high heels, the dressy clothes that no longer suited my life.
It was in all the ways that I thought my life would be “normal” if I just continued to attempt to live it the way I had before I was pregnant. It was all the ways that I felt that I needed to live up to everyone else’s expectations. This sense that I was disappointing friends if I wasn’t the same person I was 9 months ago. The sense that I was losing myself if I wasn’t the same person I was 9 months ago. The feeling that things would never be normal or the same again. And I wanted that appearance, I wanted things to feel the same not just for my friends but for myself.
I had expectations about what motherhood would be like and I was failing at all of them. I wasn’t pulled together or organized or perfect, I was a mess. And if I could put on the act that I was rocking this, that I had this all together that I could still be me, then maybe, maybe I would feel normal again.
But that was the thing, life was normal with a baby at home, it was just a new normal for me. And the act of having a child, of being up at all hours of the night of thinking of someone else every waking minute of the day, of tending to someone else’s needs, of putting someone else first had changed me.
And maybe my new normal was a glass of wine and a good movie or some decent take out and an early bedtime. Maybe my new normal was jeans and flats and so much less flashy. Maybe Friday night no longer involved shots and dance floors and cover bands with foolish names. Maybe all of that was the past. Maybe it was all OK.
It took a long time for me to accept those things. To realize that those that loved me before kids would most likely still love me after. That I could still love myself even if I wasn’t that same person, I was 9 months ago.
Yes I know that "rush around" cleaning when friends are about to come over! Quick! Throw everything in a basket in the guest room! I am also not as "together" or "organized" as I would like to be or expected to be as a stay at home mom! It's a daily struggle to keep clean and I often fail! But thats ok I think, everything doesn't have to be perfect!
Yes, I know that feeling! I too, had assumed all that would be normal right away. Then I got a beautiful, amazing baby with a hole in her heart and an extra chromosone on her chain. Talk about rearranging expectations! If you told me 11 years ago what my life would like today, I'd have probably been annoyed. "That's not me!" Ah but children…they change you in ways you don't expect and maybe don't even like, but then one day you wake up, and realize you're the person God always meant you to be and it fits you like that perfect pair of jeans. I LOVE this new normal, I love the new me, and I thank God every day that my kids made those changes possible.
I too liked my house a certain way. Some people may still think that my house is spotless but I've def. loosened up since having kids. I was driving myself and husband crazy – sometimes you just need to let it go and enjoy the moment with your kids.
I really appreciate this post. I, too, tried to me the me without kids … obsessing over cleaning my first floor, praying no one would walk upstairs and see that I did not have it together. People will often comment that they don't know how I do XYZ with kids, and it is meant as a compliment, but then I worry that as hard as I try, I am not making my normal known. My normal is baby food on my shoulder, sleepless knights, and a 3 year old who walked to the bus stop with no shoes on last week because I never thought to look to make sure he had them on and we were running late for the bus and couldn't turn around once I noticed. My normal is chaos …but beautiful chaos!
I wanted to pretend like everything was the same after kids… especially after my third b/c everyone was so judgey when they found out that I was having my third in such a short span of time. And I wanted to prove that I still had my act together(even if that had never meant having a perfectly neat house, even pre-kids). But I went to so far trying to prove that I was just fine that I drove myself into the ground. I've lightened up a lot since then.
I was in a unique situation since most of my friends were already parents or had a baby shortly after I did. So none of us wanted to party all night we had pot luck dinners or morning play dates in our pj's. But I did struggle with how clean I thought the house should be. I let that go after having twins. We do the best we can but with 3 kids, it's not the neatest home.
I feel like just when I am getting used to be "new normal", I get side tracked & things go wacky again!
In some ways, I don't think the transition was super dramatic for me (or maybe I'm just having a selective memory). I mean, even before getting pregnant, my life had slowly been changing away from the high heels and flashy clothes to more nights spent in than out. My house is even more messy now and there are signs of a toddler EVERYWHERE, but it's not like it was particularly neat or clean prior to having kids. I still dream of a "Pinterest" home, but I know I will probably always been one of those people who hides some of the clutter behind closed doors.
I think that becoming a mom is a huge transition and changes your life in every way possible. I really keep my outside rooms clean and the clutter goes into our bedroom for the most part.
Estelle
This is such a huge transition time. Sometimes when my husband and I look back at the changes we have endured, it is almost too much to take! They are all for the better in many ways, but it seems like inconsistency is our thing these days:/ Always changing!