I like to be the person in the room having the most fun. In college my roommates and I used to call ourselves the “way fun girls”. We used to invent ways to have more fun than anyone around us, whether it was crazy dancing on spring break or a night of bowling, we always found a way to be having the most fun. When I go out to dinner or with friends and I see people having a better time than us, I always try to think of some way to have more fun. Even now when we travel as a family, I like to think that we are the family having the best time. For me having fun is a competitive sport.
Which is why I was so disappointed in myself when we were in Disney at Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party and it was late (like 10:00 late) and I was done and asked if we could go back to the room. John and Jack could have gone all night but I was exhausted. I felt awful to be the one to call an end to the fun, to say it was time to go home. And even though neither of them minded, I minded.
That’s the thing about pregnancy, I often feel like my life is on pause. Like I’m not the person I was a few months ago and it’s not that I don’t want to be that person, I just physically can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to go to girls night out with my best friends, it’s that most days I’m exhausted or cranky. It’s not that I don’t want to get together with friends but some days the effort seems too much and it’s just easier to sit on the couch with my feet up and not have to worry about how I look or what I will wear. And it’s not that I don’t want to go to that great new restaurant but food hasn’t been my best friend lately, so a fancy meal isn’t always the best idea.
It’s not that I don’t want to do all the things that I love: paddle boarding, long walks, girls night outs, birthday parties, and holiday parties. The Saturday nights sitting around putting back cocktails or the days where we race from one event to the next, it’s just that I don’t enjoy them or I just can’t do them. I went to a party a few months ago and what I noticed was the more people drank the more annoyed I became, the more I found myself looking at the clock, the less amused I was by their antics. And lately I find myself looking around restauarants and Facebook pissed off that I’m not the person having the most fun. That my news feed isn’t full of laughter and adventure. That most of Jack and I’s quality time involves the couch or sitting and doing something rather than being out somewhere.
So many of the simple things in life feel like a chore right now. And I miss the old me. The me who was up for anything, who always had a good time. Who could get up on Saturday morning and spend the day out with her family without nausea, fatigue or pain. I miss a big glass of wine and laughing with my friends till the wee hours of the morning. I miss long meals that would go on for hours and not result in heart burn and a bottle of tums.
I swore I wouldn’t feel this way this time around, that I would put on a happy face and get through it. That I would do as much as I could as often as I could. That I wouldn’t let pregnancy stop me from being me, but lately I just can’t. I’m tired, I’m uncomfortable and I’m finding the second time around to be a lot more taxing on my body and my emotions.
So I’m sorry, I’m pregnant and right now my life is having a bit of a pregnant pause.