Last week I sat in my car texting while waiting for the cleaners to finish at my house. I texted one friend to see if she wanted the maternity clothes I had found in my closet. I texted another to comment that I was now the crazy person driving circles around our neighborhood waiting for the cleaners to be done, I texted another one about upcoming events for a club we are on the board of, and another asking if I should be judging myself based on how long the cleaners were taking at my house. And as my phone dinged and buzzed I thought, “I wish I had met you sooner”.
I wish I had, these people in my life 3, 5 or 6 years ago when I found motherhood to be so lonely. I wish I had known that they were out there, Moms who didn’t judge, who I could text my awful mom moments to and who would text me back their own. I wish I had them when I had no one to go to the park with or go to a Mom’s night out. I wish I had them when I just needed to say to someone, “today is awful I need to get out of my house” and who would respond, “when and where”.
I wish I had known them when Jack was an infant and I desperately needed someone to hold my hand and say “they’ve been there too”. I wish I had them to tell me that colic wouldn’t last. I wish they had been there when my life felt messy and I felt like I needed to look like I had it all together. I wish they had been there in leggings with brownies and coffee and wine.
I wish I had stepped outside of myself more in those years. I wish I had sought out other stay at home moms instead of waiting for them to find me. I wish I had this community of moms; the ones I’ve met at school and sports and through the MOMS club, when I needed it most. I wish I had known more stay at home moms when I felt like I was the only one in the world.
I was lucky in those early days when a few moms found me at the mall or music class. I was lucky for those Moms who I texted in those early days and who are still there now. I was lucky that they picked up an introvert like me and gave me their numbers. I was lucky that they let me text them when the baby wouldn’t nap, even when that was every day.
But I wish I had all of these moms back then. I can’t help but think of how much happier I would have been. How much easier that first year would have been if I had them. I wish I had known them before, I knew how much I needed them.