At the start of this year, I took on some work from home responsibilities. It was something that I have wanted for years, the ability to work from home. But it hasn’t quite been what I envisioned. And some days it’s left me feeling like I have no time just to focus on Jack. While I make my own hours and can work as much or as little as I want, I’m still having trouble balancing it.
So on Thursday as I was finishing up at the office, the song Cats in the Cradle came on. I’ve never really thought one way or another about the song until a friend had told me the song always makes her cry. And as I sat there listening to a song about a father who is always telling his son he’s too busy, all the times that I had said those words the past few months replayed in my mind.
Soon he won’t want to play with me or hug me endlessly or snuggle with me. That feeling that this is all rushing by so fast and before I know it he might not have time for me.
So on Friday I left my lap top shut. I logged zero hours of work. I didn’t blog, I didn’t check my email. I just played with Jack.
These days are long, especially in the winter when I feel like we are on top of each other and cooped up. But these years are also short and I don’t want to look back and feel like I missed something. I don’t want to feel like I was “too busy” or wasn’t paying attention.
And yet I still want a career and I still want to blog, I still want something that’s just for me. And I don’t believe there is a perfect answer. I don’t believe there is a balance in any of this. Being a SAHM was not for me, I needed more. Being a working mom was not for me, I needed less. Being a WAHM is for me and was my ultimate goal. I should feel fullfilled. I should feel grateful, and most days I am. But some days I’m left feeling like I’m falling short.